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The Truth:
One Girls Descent into the World of Anorexia
by Amanda Martin
Have you ever been to that one place that changed
your life forever? Maybe someplace like Disney World, a foreign
country,…a Psychiatric ward? Yes, it's true, spending fifteen
days in the Children's Hospital Adolescent Psych Unit gives
a girl a lot of time to reflect on life. I decided a commentary
about the experience would be perfect…
Stress. The bane of every teenager's existence.
Trying to balance school, work, sports, and make time for
a social life is the most difficult thing we will ever do
in life (at least it seems) and the ways we deal with stress
differs from person to person.
Some of the stressors in my life are what landed
me my stay in the luxurious (not…) level of the hospital.
Last year, my step-dad was diagnosed with stage IV, large
cell lung cancer with lesions in his brain. For the next nine
months my mother and I did everything we could to make sure
that his life was the best that it could possibly be. If he
said "jump" we answered "how high?"
Here's one everyone can relate to…school. Don't
tell me that you don't complain about the amount of work that
we get in school and then the weight of our book bags when
we go home at night. I know that before my senior year ever
started, I was stressed about my Research Practicum project,
AP World History, AP Literature, and Pre-Calculus. Not to
mention the speeches I was getting at the end of June about
applying to colleges before it was "too late." From other
people's parents…
I started to feel like many teens do around
the end of their high school life…out of control. It seemed
like nothing was going the way that I had planned it and that
everyone else was passing me by.
That's where the trouble started. I began to
get rid of my stress through a healthy amount of exercise.
I would run a mile or two to feel better about myself. Unfortunately,
when school did eventually start, the stress came back and
hit me like a brick wall. Projects due here, tests to finish
there…it was all too much. And on top of that, my step-dad
began to get worse. He had to go back for a second round of
radiation and the tumors were not getting any smaller. The
icing on the proverbial cake was when my purse was stolen…and
the $100 that was inside it. Not life threatening, but enough
to cause meltdown mode to begin.
I started to eat less. That's the simplest
way I can put it. This is what landed me in the hospital.
The disease that so many girls struggle with, and many die
from. Anorexia.
Yes, I am an anorexic, and will be for the
rest of my life. It is how I have dealt with the stress of
everyday life. I can only explain it like this: I felt like
there was nothing in my life that I could control, I started
looking for something that I could and the first thing I found
was the food that I was eating.
Then, sadly, my step-dad passed away on January
4th, 2006 and my life really went downhill. I lost 10 more
pounds in roughly 2 weeks, taking me down to a dangerously
low weight of 72lbs…that is 50lbs lighter than I had been
in June of 2005. The day that I was sent to the hospital,
my blood pressure was through the floor and my heart rate
was 30 (a normal one is around 80 or so.) In fact, the doctors
in the Emergency Room couldn't understand how I was walking.
Not only were my organs beginning to shut down,
but it also altered the way that I think. The anxieties that
I now have towards food are so numerous that it would take
up three pages just to attempt to explain them. Basically
it all comes down to being afraid of food; physically, emotionally,
and mentally.
I believed that my ability to survive and be
loved in this world was judged by my ability to starve. The
problem with that thought is that I didn't have more friends
when I got thin, I wasn't a better role model when I was thin,
I wasn't smarter when I was thin, and I didn't love myself
more when I was thin. In fact…I still don't. It's something
that I am going to be working on for a long time. If I want
to have a future, I need to realize that it's ok to be selfish.
I have to learn how to just DEAL with life.
I am not going to have to do it alone though. I have a support
system a mile long to help me out. Besides my ever-competent
doctors and treatment team, I also have my teachers I can
count on. I have learned over the past year that if you let
them, teachers, administrators, and others around school are
there for you. They notice stress in our lives and will work
with you if you need help.
I also have my friends. The ones who've stuck by me through
thick and thin. There have been many shed tears and quite
a few arguments, but friends will always be there for you.
And if they're not, they were never your friends in the first
place.
Last, but certainly not least, I have my family. Throughout
all of my hardships, I have always had the comfort in knowing
that my family is going to love me no matter what. And the
same goes for everyone out there.
As I've said before, everyone deals with stress differently.
I met a lot of kids my age in the hospital, all with different
problems and backgrounds. Some who cut, some who run away,
some who drink, and some with anger/behaviour problems. The
one thing that we all had in common was that we all dealt
with everyday stress in a way that was dangerous and hurtful
to ourselves and others.
I urge everyone out there to find something that they like
to do. Whether it be singing, reading, writing, drawing, skateboarding,
or gardening…take that hobby and make time to just enjoy it.
Don't let everything become so overwhelming like I did. Listen
to the people who care about you too, they see you from the
outside and know all the changes you're going through even
before you do.
Remember to love yourself and others will follow. Ignore
those bringing you down because they don't matter in the first
place, and if you feel like life is caving in around you,
please please get help. If I deserved help, you do too.
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By Amanda Martin, 18, United States.
Copyright by Amanda.
Do you want to get in touch with the author?
E-mail me and I will forward your information to her.
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