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My Divorce Letter to My Eating Disorder
Dear Eating Disorder:
It has been a tough couple weeks. I am tired,
exhausted actually. I feel as though my strength is gone.
I have been thinking about how long we have been together.
When I think about it, I get frustrated, angry, discouraged
and empty.
I met you when I was in the sixth grade. You
wanted to be my friend when no one else would. You helped
me with math and spelling. Anorexia, Bulimia and Compulsive
Overeating. You said #1 Don’t trust anyone because they will
end up hurting or leaving me. #2 Don’t tell anyone anything
because they really don’t care anyway. #3 Feelings are to
be kept to myself.
You have saved me from conflict, kept me focus,
helped me become independent and you kept me safe. You also
kept me from forming relationships, you controlled me, you
told me that the numbers on the scale was all that mattered.
You were mean to me and you allowed others to be mean to me
too. I was not strong enough to tell them to stop.
You taught me to hate my body, to despise everything
about it. You said my hair was too curly, my shoulders were
too broad, my breasts were too big, my thighs were too fat,
my stomach needed to be cut out, and my calves were just huge.
You convinced me that no man would ever find me attractive
and that the world would be better off if I were invisible.
I appreciate you taking care of me when I needed
you. I don’t need you anymore. I have been running from you
for the past 12 years and wherever I go there you are, ready,
willing and waiting. I have gone as far away as Alaska to
try to get rid of you. I jumped out of a plane 5 thousand
feet in the air, Climbed 30 ft in the air and walked along
a cable, both things I did trying to get rid of you.
I loved to serve others, then you got all clingy
and told me that unless I served others they wouldn’t want
me around. Some days you even tried to get me to stay in bed
and not go to work. That didn’t work because you were sending
me mixed messages. On one hand you told me to stay in bed
and on the other hand you told me that I had to be the perfect
teacher. You didn’t care that it was my first year. You told
me to get up at 4:30am to work on my lesson plans, you let
my kids walk all over me. For 9 years of my life you had me
running away from myself. You told me that I didn’t need God
and sometimes I actually believed you.
When I started teaching you tried to tell me
that God didn’t matter, that sleep was more important. I have
God on my side at church. I ignored you. I put my heart into
my singing. I also started to form relationships with others
and stayed in one place for a year. You hated that! You wanted
me all to yourself.
I wasn’t strong enough to keep you away. My
confidence was shot and I was afraid of people. You told me
I looked like a kid and that adults were never going to accept
me. You said that men would never find me attractive. You
made me afraid of myself, never comfortable in my own skin.
You told me I was short, fat and ugly and I believed you.
You should be ashamed of yourself, ruining my life like that.
I am putting in for a divorce and taking you to court. You
are being sued for personality theft, personal damages, and
I am getting sole custody of myself. You have no visitation
rights - If you try to visit I will be ready. I might not
be strong now, the people around me help me to become strong.
They love me, they believe in me, they value my presence on
this earth.
You have destroyed too many lives.
I am no longer running, I am sitting.
I am not doing, I am being.
I am not dying, I am rising.
I am no longer fake, I am real.
I am no longer ashamed of myself, I am proud.
I am no longer dead, I am alive.
Together we will become strong
and put you in your place.
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Mary Pat Nally uses her gift of poetry in hopes
to help others find their own special gifts. For more information
about Mary Pat and to read more poems, please go to www.authenticallyme.com.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Pat_Nally
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